It’s no secret that Teagan was not planned nor a near thought in our minds when we found out I was pregnant, but now it is hard to imagine the course of our lives without her. When I look into those huge blue eyes, I honestly don’t know how I could ever love another human the way I love her. She is everything. All my hopes and dreams are right there in that sweet, angelic little face.
Before she was even born, people were already asking us when we were planning to have another. Umm, can I birth this one first? I knew after having her that people would wonder when we would be giving her a sibling but I didn’t expect that question while still in the hospital loving on my newborn.
In the months that have followed Teagan’s birth it’s been the most frequent question I’ve received. Some of my close friends have young babies too and I like to ask out of entertainment because I think we all feel the enormity of what just having one baby means let alone adding another rug rat to the mix. But I get this question from people being completely serious.
Honestly, the thought of having another baby makes me really sad. I love Teagan so much and I want her to always know she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. The idea of having to split my attention and not giving her all of myself is devastating to me. I don’t ever want her to feel second. I don’t ever want to dismiss her feelings or story because the baby brother or sister needs me.
Believe me, I know these are all natural thoughts but I just don’t know if it’s guilt I want to live with. Now that I am staying home with Teagan, I see clearly how much I missed of her while she was at daycare. Just watching her learn and discover new things on a daily basis is pretty miraculous. I don’t want to miss any moment, big or small.
Some days with her are harder than others but I can genuinely say I enjoy every day of my life right now. While I am so tired and feel very run down, I’m happy. The thought of adding another baby to the mix is terrifying. I can’t imagine caring for a newborn AND a toddler. Rather than truly enjoying every single day, I imagine myself feeling like I’m just surviving every day. I feel sad when I think about that. When I think about not enjoying my time with Teagan. When I think about not enjoying a new baby the way I enjoyed Teagan. Who wants to just survive their day?
I think for both Cary and I, having another child means we lose another chunk of our freedom. That means less sleep, less time for our hobbies, less time for us as a couple and that leaves us both feeling a little sad. I know that sounds selfish and it probably is but I truly believe that life is about balance. Are we good parents when we have no time to focus on ourselves, on our relationship with our spouse, with our friends and family?
A huge reason for not wanting a second child is I really don’t want to be pregnant again. I had a pretty rough go around the first time. I found out I was pregnant at 7 weeks and was sick up until a few weeks before she was born. If I didn’t take my anti-nausea medicine, I would be vomiting all day long. I know it may not be like that next time; but what if it is? Feeling like that and trying to be a great mom to Teagan seems impossible.
I in no way take being able to carry a child for granted because I know a lot of women can’t. I feel very lucky. I feel so blessed that God chose me to be that little girl’s protector for 9 months; for giving me the ability to carry a child that has now become my entire world. I would do it again a million times to have her but it doesn’t mean the thought of going through it again it’s terrifying.
I do feel sad when I think about Teagan growing up without a sibling. To think about not having that best childhood friend. To have that person that through it all, gets it. Gets you. That person that you will have that forever connection to. When I think far off into the future when Cary and I are no longer on this Earth how sad it must be to not have a sibling to lean on. To have to go through something like that alone.
Having a kid is the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. Sometimes I think 10 years from now and I picture family vacations and watching our children laugh and play together and that imagine completely warms my heart.
So where does that leave us? I really have no idea. I think we are of the opinion that we leave that door open and put it in God’s hands but for now we are perfectly content and grateful for this beautiful tiny human we get to call our only child.