There is really no easy way to write it or to even say it out loud so I am just going to say it.
I had a miscarriage.
I had a miscarriage.
Seeing those words on the screen is so incredibly hard. It’s like seeing a piece of my heart that I will never get back.
I honestly didn’t know if I was going to write this. I didn’t know if it was something I wanted to share. If it was something I could share. I wish I could say I am writing it to connect to others that have gone through it to let them know they aren’t alone but I think I would be lying.
This post is for myself. For my husband. For my daughter. We are stronger together and we can get through anything. This has been the most emotionally difficult situation I have ever dealt with.
I want to first apologize to any of my family or friends that have to find out through this post but talking about it with anyone, my family included, sometimes proves to be too emotional for me and there is no easy way to bring up having a miscarriage. Please don’t take it personal, it’s not a reflection on how I feel about you but more of how I am are still trying to process through this and writing is therapeutic for me.
I guess I should start from the beginning. Teagan came as a complete surprise to us. She was a birth control baby. The birth control baby that decided she needed to be in this world. Her due date just 5 days before our planned destination wedding in Aruba. She has been our greatest blessing and I never regret the unplanned nature of that.
She has been such an easy, joyful child that we honestly felt from the beginning that we would be fine with just one kid. That along with the fact that my pregnancy with her was pretty difficult. I was on Diclegis from about 8 weeks on. The only time the nausea/vomiting subsided was my last month of pregnancy. So ironically the month most women feel the worst, I felt the best. So, the idea of another pregnancy just completely scared me. I honestly think I had PTSD from the entire experience.
We knew we could never handle 2 under 2 so the conversation about a second kid never came up until Teagan was 16 months old. It was more of “I don’t want another kid but I don’t want Teagan to be an only child” type conversation. Neither of us wanted to have a kid for that reason, we wanted to do it when we both felt ready. Towards the end of November 2017, something in us shifted. I think we started looking way forward and thinking how lonely Teagan would be on vacations, how empty our Thanksgiving table would be, etc.
We realized our reasons for not wanting another kid were selfish in nature and that family is everything. Jobs come and go, friends change and move on, adventures are what we make them but family…that’s the one constant and we wanted to grow ours.
I got my period back in July of 2017 and it was regular through November, I hadn’t been on the pill since I got pregnant with Teagan so we decided to start trying in early December. It was such a weird experience for me. I had never taken an ovulation/pregnancy test or even really knew much about my body and the female cycle. I really leaned on two of my friends, Liza and Tiffani, to show me the way since they had both achieved in their planned pregnancies in the past.
To my surprise, I got a positive pregnancy test on 7 days past ovulation. If you aren’t sure what that means, that is an extremely early positive. About a week before my missed period. I couldn’t believe it. Naturally, I had to take another one the next morning. A darker positive. Teagan and I were heading out of town that week to surprise my grandma for her birthday so I knew I wouldn’t be taking any tests while away but I was so excited to come back and see a darker positive test.
Several days later we returned home and I took a test. It was lighter. I immediately felt a pit in my stomach. My friends told me to relax, I didn’t take it in the morning with my most concentrated urine so I shouldn’t think anything. Days went by, I missed my period and was still getting positive tests and was feeling good about it even though they weren’t getting darker. They were still positive.
On the morning of December 23rd, I woke up every hour from 1am to 5am to pee and I remember sitting there in the dark and checking my toilet paper for blood every time. It was like my intuition was kicking in and knew what was about to happen. 1am- nothing. 2am- nothing. 3am- nothing. 4am-nothing. 5am- there it was. A spot of blood bigger than a quarter. In my heart, I knew what was happening. I could feel my heart breaking right there in that bathroom.
I immediately sent a text to my friend Tiffani who is a nurse and on her 3rd pregnancy. She calmed me down and told me that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a miscarriage. It could be from having sex and my uterus was so sensitive, it could be from implantation, it could be just something my body does because it happened with Teagan. I didn’t find out I was pregnant with Teagan until almost 8 weeks because I had what I thought was a period. She had her own similar story with both of her pregnancies that gave me some hope.
As the day went on, so did the bleeding. I didn’t have any cramps but the bleeding wasn’t slowing down. It was our 2-year wedding anniversary and we had plans so we decided to try to take our minds off of it and have fun. That was pretty impossible but we tried.
We had planned to tell my family on Christmas but my pregnancy tests were getting lighter every day that we decided against it until I saw my doctor. I felt completely numb through Christmas. I tried to put on the best face I could but my heart was broken. It’s so insolating to go through something so traumatizing like that and not be able to tell any of the people around you.
By December 26th, the bleeding had stopped but my doctor’s office wasn’t opening until the next day so all we could do was wait. We finally got into to the doctors late on Wednesday afternoon. I had an HCG blood test drawn and they gave me a Rhogram shot. I have RH negative blood and they told me that if the baby has a Rh-positive blood, my body could be attacking it so the shot would protect future pregnancies. Hearing “future pregnancies” made me feel like they believed the same thing was happening in this pregnancy as I did.
The next day they called to give me the results of the blood test. My HCG level was .2. So almost at 0. They should have been somewhere in the 200-400 level. Our little baby was gone. I felt completely deflated. Crushed. Heartbroken. Depressed.
It took us a really long time to get to the point of wanting a second kid so to get it so fast and just as quickly have it taken away was hard.
If you are the type of person to say, “at least it happened early” or “it was probably a chemical pregnancy” or “that likely means there was chromosomal issues and your body’s way of making sure you have a healthy baby.” I would just like you to know comments like that hurt. If you can’t think of anything else to say besides comments like that, say nothing…say, “I’m so sorry.”
We know there is science behind it but the reality is it’s emotional and personal. From the second you decide to have another kid you get excited and imagine your future family. From the second you see a positive on a pregnancy test, you start to form that emotional bond with your baby.
I always feel so sad when I hear someone has had a miscarriage and would always think, “I can’t even imagine.” Now going through it myself, it’s true. If you haven’t experience it, you have no idea. It’s 100000 times worse than you ever imagine.
Going into the whole Trying to Conceive journey, we didn’t know what to expect. I got pregnant on birth control the first time so we thought our fertility was good but tried not to set expectations. We’ve learned that our fertility is in fact just fine which is a positive but more importantly, we’ve learned we can go through really difficult, really emotional stuff and come out on the other side together.
It’s taken me almost a full 2 months to process all of my feelings. I still feel so sad. I still feel like we experienced a huge loss but I know I can’t let that energy cloud my days. I go back to my life motto. ‘Trust the timing of your life.’ I know I have to trust God’s timing for my life. He has a plan for us, a plan for our family.
I have a beautiful little girl that looks at me for everything. We are so grateful to have such a healthy, happy child and I will never allow myself to believe something is missing from our lives when we have her and more than a lot of others. I know our time will come.
From every storm comes a rainbow and I know our little rainbow baby will come when the timing is right.